Thoughts, just thoughts

I have noticed in other people this habit to assign thoughts to other people. I know that I do this myself as well and I think that is why I can notice it in other people. So in this thought I am going to talk about "other people" but just know that I know this is all about me. Most of us have this habit of feeling weird about someone or something that happened to or with us. We analyze everything about an uncomfortable situation, including what the other people involved think about it. Example, you make a dumb joke at work and you spend the rest of the day thinking about how dumb it was. We tell ourselves that the other person is thinking all day about how dumb we are. They are probably not… They are thinking about their response to the joke if thinking about the joke at all. They probably forgot about it instantly… This is more than the theory that people are only always thinking about themselves. This is about how different people focus on different things. Example, I have a friend trying to get pregnant. She has sex with her husband almost constantly so in her mind she's doing everything right. This is how you have a baby. I'm over here thinking that she needs to track her fertility and make sure her body is ready to house a baby. It's more than just going through the motions, it's actually being ready. She thinks God is punishing her. We will probably never be on the same page with these reactions so then every time she says what she thinks is stopping her I roll my eyes and vice versa. She cannot reconcile my thought process and I cannot understand hers. All of this is about saying no one in the world thinks exactly like us. We are all constantly having our own thoughts however that does not mean that we are the only ones who think like us. Everyone is analyzing something. But no one is actually analyzing what someone else did or said to them. So why do we do it? If we know that it doesn't help us to overthink and we know that no one else is thinking about us like that then why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? It's because we see everyone else and we think they're so perfect and no one else is the basket-case that we are. I look around and I know that I have undeniable amounts of anxiety that nobody could possibly understand. I'm the only one that is constantly yelling at myself internally. Except I'm not. I know I'm not. I know most people are having the same constant internal thoughts but I can't see them so how can I know for sure. Nope it's better to just tell myself that I'm alone and no one understands what I'm going through. Except how twisted is that? I'm one who's anxiety manifests physically, it always has. I've been biting my nails, my lips, and even sometimes my hair or hoodie strings for longer than I can remember. I shake my leg so vigorously that I shake everything around me and then inevitably someone yells at me because I'm shaking them as well. I pull my split ends, I pop my knuckles, I pace, I kick things, I wring my hands, I shred paper or anything else I have, I pull labels off bottles and probably so many other things that I pretend to ignore. All while pretending that I'm fine. When I go to therapy even they question why I'm there if I can't name what's wrong with me. Well it's because I've spent my whole life hiding myself from others. I live in my head. I do not let what's in my head leave my head. I will talk about what I’m doing or going through physically with literally anyone who will listen. But what's in my head is for me and only me. It's so unhealthy but I don't know how else to be. It's so crazy to me that I can't voice any of this. Even this will get posted and I'll think about it often but I know it won't actually change anything or even help me open up any. I'm not even sure if this made any sort of sense but it is at least a glimpse into my mind a little.