Anxiety!

This has been a weird week. I came into work last week completely pissed and frustrated at literally everything. Part of that was because I didn't really have a day to just chill on my last off week. So I was already tired coming into my 8 day work week. I even checked my email on Monday so that I would know kind of what I was coming in to and I had a couple big emails that I meant I was coming into an even busier week than I was planning. One of them was even about a 6 AM meeting... So that was exciting. And that is the energy I had going into work. So on Tuesday I think I had a pretty standard day. I was really busy at work but I did everything I needed to get done and then just went home and I don't really remember what I did. There was probably a basketball game on. On Wednesday I was still stressed from Tuesday so I worked pretty hard to catch up on everything while I stressed about the morning meeting the next day. Then as I was planning what I was going to do to get enough sleep that night, my best friend said BINGO? And of course since I can't say no to social things like that (in summer) I agreed so we went to the bar and played BINGO. We drank, we ate, we played, we talked and we all had so much fun. However, I then didn't get to bed until about midnight... to wake up at 4 so that I was prepared for the meeting... So yeah 4 hours. Thursday, I chugged a red bull while I was getting ready for the meeting and then drove to it and then I didn't have anything else to do until 8 so I drove around and found a Starbucks with a drive thru and got some gross coffee drink and a danish and then I drove back to work so I could go to the clinic. Then I clocked in early and came up to work. That was a long freaking day... I was so tired but since I'm still obsessed with a guy, even though we're both really trying to be normal and cool with each other, I went over to his house and we talked all heavy about therapy and stuff like that. It was one of those beautiful but heavy conversations that we like to have. To me it seems like we can talk about everything and I really appreciate that, plus his energy really calms me down. So I was over there until about 11 and even set my car alarm off when I pushed the button on the key fob after already sitting in the car... I might have been tired. So Friday was also pretty rough. But I got off work 2 hours early to go to soccer. That was frustrating too because we tied but we still got first for the whole season. So it was still kind of a win. It was the second week in a row that I couldn't score though. So like I said, alright but frustrating. Then I hung out with a teammate for the 2 games after and then went home to a scared dog. So I had to leave the music on all night to drown out the sound of the fireworks. Oh also I asked the guy if he wanted to hang out again but he told me no, so I was very annoyed about that. He did say "lets watch a movie on Saturday or Sunday" but even that was very non-commital in my opinion. So on Saturday after he was messaging me a little, Alix texted me and asked if I wanted to go out with her and of course I had to say yes because that's what squad does. So we made plans to go dancing at the local gay club and it was so fun and really actually needed for all of us it seems. I even made friends and I was way out of my comfort zone. But I was also mad at the guy because it seemed to me that he was pushing me away. It was very frustrating and I reacted to Alix about it and she even yelled at me but calmed down because she could see that I was hurting too. And then I didn't get to bed until about 1 and still had to come to work on Sunday and Monday and I should have worked Tuesday but I wanted to go hiking. I also went over to the guys house on Sunday night and we had another heavy conversation and I don't even know how to describe the anxiety he gives me. I'm going to try though... So this guy fully relaxes me when we're together, especially when we're not at the house. But when we're not together I am constantly on edge thinking was the last time I saw him the last time I ever see him, or will the next time be the last time. It's not because I don't trust him or anything but I know that he is a runner and I know that he wouls have left town a long time ago if he could have. I know that he is trying to grow something that he can't right now. I know that he is terrified of the future and it has nothing to do with me. So it's that fear, his anxiety that I read off and I get anxious from that. But then when we get talking or listening to music or even just sitting and watching basketball all of that fear and anxiety that I am exibiting from him is gone. I really do trust him so much in fact, more than he even trusts himself. I know that he doesn't believe me when I say things like that I not only find him so attractive, cool, or great to talk to but it's his soul that I feel the most connected to. I literally haven't seen anything that I don't like about him. That's not to say that he doesn't trigger some things in me because he for sure does. I realized this week that I'm trying to be vulnerable and with that I've asked him to hang out a few times and he's turned me down every time... so that rejection really hurts and I then lash out at him with passive aggression... But part of being vulnerable is being able to not react to rejection in that way. And realizing that people have their own lives and if he needs to be alone then I don't have to take that as rejection. I am a different person than he is. I get my energy from other people but he might need to be alone to recover from that energy as he is an introvert. I need to give him that time. So that is what I've learned this week. That just because I feel rejected doesn't mean that I really was and that I need to give people their space.