Sorry! I'm back!

Ok what are we if not ever changing? I've decided that I didn't like doing the tarot reading because you couldn't see the card. I still like the energy of it so I might later find another way to bring it in. I haven't written in a little while because I didn't feel like there was anything to write about. As many of you probably know, that's when it's almost better to write to let people in. The truth is that I was feeling a lot of feelings and a lot of anger. I was in all honestly rejected. By the boy that I thought was "different." And the truth is he was. I knew from the time I met him that there was something different about him and that if we ever made anything else happen he was going to change me. My best friend kept telling me "fall fast and fall hard my friend. And I did, and he did, and then it just stopped. I still honestly think that he pushed me away because he didn't want to get closer to me and hurt me. Or that he just got distracted and he will regret it. But no matter what his thing is or will be, he's right. He's not good for me long-term. I wasn't myself around him anymore. I had found the parts of me that he liked and hid or even ignored the rest. I wanted to be like him so I kept the rest of me quiet so that he would see how similar we were. But in the end he wasn't there for me and he wasn't supportive of me. He didn't care about me emotionally. And I knew that. So then when he flipped the switch and decided that we were just friends but didn't tell me, I flipped out. I felt like he was getting farther and farther from me and I was straining to hold on and he was all I thought about. And then I got anxious. In a way that I couldn't control because it wasn't about me, it was about him. So I decided that I had to "take a step back." It was my way of saying 'fine, since you need to be in control constantly you can be the one to reach for me for a change.' So I quit messaging him first, I still hadn't accepted that he didn't want me around anymore though so I thought he would reach out and say he missed me and we could find another routine. It was 3 weeks later when he invited me over to tell me he was worried about me that I finally accepted that we were done. See, he had friend-zoned/rejected me weeks ago. But he didn't know how to tell me so he just didn't. He just stopped kissing me and stopped caring about me and I was just going to have to keep up. The most annoying thing was that I knew it too. I knew that's what happened but I hadn't accepted it. So I called him out on it. That night that he invited me over to voice his concerns for me, I called him out on abandoning me and not even having the guts to tell me that he was doing it. So then I get mad at myself right; it's not his fault, he said he was like this, he is only being himself, I knew he stepped away. But the second he said that I was right and that he couldn't be there for me romantically I flipped the switch in my head. I stopped crying from confusion and I accepted what he was telling me. I didn't message him first for about a month and now when I do it, it is just in passing and I truthfully don't expect a response. The confusion is still there and I do constantly think he'll change his mind. But I've moved on. I started dating again. The truth is that he fucked me up though. I had such strong feelings for him that it made me want to have those feelings again but also made me worried about how I'm going to find those feelings again. I realized that sex is better with that connection. Even watching movies and listening to music and talking are better with that connection. He was missing a few key things that I needed from him but part of me still thinks that connection, that chemistry made it worth it. And that is what I spent the last month working through. I'm definitely not over it but I am thinking I am ready to move on. Including with my blog. So here is the current plan I am working on. I will still write twice every week but one will be a catch up post about what is going on in my life and the other will be my tried and true TV, movie, podcast, book or adventure that I go on.