Dating... Again.

Ok I think I am finally ready to talk about the guy. Some try to call him a boyfriend… I have decided I don't like boyfriends so I don't call him that. But we have been seeing each other exclusively for over a month now. Our first date was almost 2 months ago. And he really likes me, which is really nice because I was constantly confused and on edge the whole time with the last guy. Also this guy is very caring and wants to take care of me, kind of too focused on me actually… But it's very nice of him. Also I was afraid that he was too boring but I always told myself I would give him until we slept together to decide. And it worked because I really do enjoy that part. With all that, he's kind of perfect for me. So in an effort to be transparent (knowing that he could fully read this) I am going to write some of the pros and cons of both him and dating him. As I said earlier he really cares for me and is very nice and sweet and kind of perfect with all of that. However, I am not in a place where I really want that… I am more in a phase where I want to be alone and occasionally make plans with people but really spend most of my time alone at home. This last weekend it really showed up. He wanted to hangout every night and I kept putting him off and then ignoring him. And I know he was panicking over it. Or anxious anyway. Like he felt like I was pushing him away which I was but only because I told him that I would do that from the very beginning. I know this is an excuse for being rude when I could have just said " I need time for me" and he would have understood. But I was trying to be the good attentive girlfriend even though I told him weeks ago that I didn't want that kind of relationship. I wasn't ready for actual commitment and I stick by that. I hate being the person who says things like "I don't like labels" and "I'm not dating anyone else but…" But I am that person so I shouldn't hide it right? Last weekend when I went all avoidant he was the one who admitted his attachment style was anxious first. He's very good at telling me what he's thinking where I think things and get mad when someone can't read my signals… I really need to stop doing that… I know I can speak up for myself so why don't I? But as soon as he told me he was anxious I was able to admit that I was clearly avoidant and would try to do better. But I did need to take a step back… Although now he's uninvited me to his Halloween party…

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