Balance

You know those phases in life where you aren't necessarily failing but still kind of feel like you're flailing? I guess I just don't think I'm succeeding. But I also accept that I am not doing some basic things that I need to do to feel balance. For example, all summer I was journaling and pulling a tarot card every day. I know a lot of people don't like tarot but I really do and I was using them as kind of a prompt for my journaling. It made me feel like I was really trying to understand myself and my life and the world around me. I'm not doing any of that anymore. I've even been in a kind of "the world is burning so who cares about anything" kind of mood lately. Which means that I am not doing anything that is actually helping, heck even masking my pain. It's a very frustrating feeling to know what to do to make your life better but to have no desire to do any of it. I know it's the anxiety mixed with the seasonal depression but I also fully know how to counter act all of it. But I don't. What is wrong with me? And what adds to the confusion, I know I'm by far not the only one who feels like this. That doesn't make me feel better though because I don't need people to be like me, I just need to succeed. I want to be that special smart person who doesn't need to worry about all of her failings. Who can have a day without feeling like she sucks at everything. The person who has dreams passed working at her current job until she dies. But that is how I feel these days…